Old Gendo's Game
by Lord Raa
Summary: Some say that this may be considered blasphemous to some, and that it may be considered funny to others. All we know is that this is an AU fusion with the radio comedy Old Harry's Game.
1. Chapter 1

Old Gendo's Game

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: Just to sit asking questions like these?

* * *

Kozo Fuyutsuki looked up in surprise at the inexplicable puff of smoke that appeared in his office.

"Hello there, Kozo, how's tricks?"

"What? Who's there?" the grey-haired man demanded.

The smoke started to clear and a bearded man stepped forward. "You don't remember me? You're hurting my feelings, Kozo Fuyutsuki."

"No… It can't be…"

"It is."

"But you're dead…"

"Dead? I think you're confusing me with somebody else." The new arrival shook his head. "Just who do you think I am?"

"You're Gendo Ikari; you were one of my students!" Kozo declared.

"In a manner of speaking, but I'm here to take you to Hell," Gendo smiled cheerfully.

"Why?"

"Because I'm pretty sure that Shinji's mother doesn't approve of the way you've neglected him."

The grey-haired man blinked. "What are you talking about, Yui died over a decade ago."

"Not quite. Though there are those that would say that she started to feel unwell when Nietzsche got that publishing contract. Still, that's for another debate."

"What are you talking about, Ikari?"

"It's not important right now. What is important is that you know the truth about your son. Well, I say son, but you're not Shinji's father. I am."

"You slept with my wife?" Fuyutsuki demanded angrily.

"It was a tawdry affair that involved us doing nasty, nasty things with each other. Like consensual sex in the missionary position with the lights off. I never understood that particular kink, but hey, at least I can say that I tried it," Gendo smiled. "You probably realised that Shinji doesn't look much like you nor has your eyes. Or blood type…"

"… Now that you mention it, it does seem strange. Still, I thought that he was just taking after his mother. But how did you appear in my office?"

"I've got a confession to make."

"What?"

"I'm Satan, the Prince of Darkness," Gendo said calmly as his appearance started to look a lot more goat-like.

"No…"

"Oh yes. And I've got another confession to make: I'm the cause of your fatal heart attack. Boo!"

"Hrnnngggg…" Fuyutsuki clutched his chest and keeled over.

"Just as planned," Satan rubbed his clawed hands together.

* * *

Fuyutsuki blinked in surprise as he took several seconds to take stock of his new surroundings. He recoiled at the stench of sulphur and at the sight of the hideous demon with a clipboard.

"W-who are you?"

"Gary," the winged grotesque answered. "Now then, Professor Kozo Fuyutsuki? Oh dear, not another academic."

"What's wrong with academia?" the grey-haired man asked. "Do you have something against scholars?"

"Yes and that something is often a red-hot poker," Gary smiled knowingly. "So then, let's see what your story is."

Satan appeared and took the clipboard off his assistant. "Research scientist, seduced several of your students, neglected his son, and tried the 'whoops, wrong hole' trick on the wrong woman."

"B-b-but how can you know all this?" Fuyutsuki demanded.

"One, our system keeps track of every creature capable of making moral decisions and what sins they've committed. And two, Shinji's mother told me," the goat-like being explained with an insufferable smirk.

"Yui is here?"

"Only in the sense that she's everywhere," Satan answered cryptically. "Now, where shall I put you?"

"What do you mean that Yui is everywhere?" Fuyutsuki asked. "I demand an answer!"

"Professor, allow me to help you understand the situation. By filling your underpants with scorpions."

"What? AAARRGHHH!" the elderly man screamed in agony.

"Ah, that never gets old, does it, Gary?" Satan asked, turning to his assistant.

"Nope, never," Gary smiled. "Now then, where do you want to put the Professor?"

"Hmm… start him in the Pit of Endless Bureaucracy. Give him that pile of tax returns. You know, the ones written by those dyslexics who complain about delays," the Prince of Darkness said.

"Delightful, Sire," the assistant nodded.

* * *

Kozo Fuyutsuki looked over the illegible and incorrectly filled out tax form he'd been trying to make sense of and sighed.

"How long is this going to take?"

"Forever, Mortal, that's the whole point of eternal torment," Satan answered. He leaned in to peer at his victim. "Hang on, you're a scholar: you weren't being rhetorical, were you? I don't like it when people are all rhetorical. It makes me want to race cockroaches around their small intestines."

"… No, I wasn't being rhetorical," Fuyutsuki insisted. "I was just…"

"It doesn't matter right now, Professor because I have been thinking about moving you on to a new torment."

"You have?"

"Yes," Satan nodded his horned head. He revelled when he saw the look of confusion on the old man's face. "Tell me Professor, how do you feel about lobster?"

"What sort of lobster," the grey-haired man asked.

"Oh, it's very special, Professor. Like everything here."

* * *

"All hail Satan!" Gary greeted breathlessly as he ran towards the cackling figure.

"Oh, hi there Gary, I was just introducing the Professor here to our pet lobster."

"YAARRGGHH!!!" the grey-haired man bellowed in agony.

"As you can see, he still hasn't learned to deal with his irrational hatred of nipples," Satan said as he turned to his lackey. "Now, what's bothering you?"

"Well, there's a message for you. From the Almighty," Gary said, nervously holding out a scroll.

"Fine, let's see what's bothering Her Omniscience," the Prince of Darkness said as he opened the scroll. "'We need to talk.' Well, that's just great. I get that She likes the old 'moving in mysterious ways' lark, but still, you'd have thought that She would have given me some details. You know, like where we're meeting."

"W-wait," Fuyutsuki gasped, crawling to the edge of the pit. "God is a woman?"

"Why do you think your testicles are on the outside?" Satan asked.

"Well, it's to control the temperature-"

The goat-legged demon leaned towards the tormented soul. "And don't you think that someone capable of creating the universe could engineer things so that being kicked between the legs wouldn't hurt?"

Fuyutsuki looked down. "Well, now that you mention it…"

"Yes, now shut up before I decide to give you a new suit."

"A living suit?" Gary asked, a smile forming on his lips.

"Yes, one made of bullet ants. Now, let's see what She wants," Satan sighed before fading from view.

* * *

Atop Mount Everest, Satan crossed his arms across his torso. He wasn't cold, just getting bored with waiting for his meeting. After a moment, he looked down and saw a hoofed foot tapping impatiently.

"She's always doing this to me."

"Greetings, you foul pestilent creature!" a deep, booming voice emerged from a blinding light.

Satan rolled his obsidian eyes. "Nice to see you too, Your Supreme Magnificence."

"Oh, I wanted to see you get angry again," God pouted, her white robes flowing around her body in the high winds. "You're cute when you're enraged."

"Even the Almighty is attracted to the badboy personality type, I don't know," the Prince of Darkness muttered good-naturedly. "So, what's bothering you, your Excellency?"

"It's about my son."

"I haven't seen him since that time in the desert."

"Not that one, the one who can't walk on water. Shinji," the divine being explained. "You know, our son."

"Oh yes, Shinji," Satan nodded. "Well, I haven't seen him for a while and, to be honest, I thought that it would be for the best if I left him alone. I figured he'd spend eternity with you and his half-brother in Heaven."

"He will," God stated matter-of-factly. "It's just that, well, he's feeling a bit depressed right now and I don't want to have to make an exception if he kills himself."

"Fair enough. But you could intervene if you wanted to."

"And open myself up to accusations of favouritism? Besides, I know you remember what they did to his brother."

Satan sighed. "I see, so what do you want me to do?"

God looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose that you could, you know, take some responsibility and make him happy."

"Make him happy? MAKE HIM HAPPY? I'm the Prince of Darkness – I'm supposed to make people UNHAPPY!" the goat-like man ranted. "And just how is Shinji watching me torment the Damned for all eternity supposed to make him happy?"

"It's not, Satan. I just, well…"

"I don't mind helping you out here, but for most mortals, the things that make them happy condemn their souls to Hell. Especially the things that make teenaged boys happy."

"What?" God demanded. "Shinji wouldn't…"

"He's what, fourteen now? Oh yeah, he's touching himself at night while he thinks about the cute girls he sees."

"He's not like that! I mean, his brother…"

"Don't get me wrong, Shinji and Jesus are nice guys, but it's a different world down there now. Besides, Shinji has internet access," the horned man smirked.

"I wish you hadn't put that idea in mortals' heads."

"I wish you hadn't flipped out and told me our love could never be," Satan muttered.

"What was that?" God asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Nothing. Look, I can help Shinji have some fun, but he'll end up sinning. Maybe nothing major, like murder, but certainly attempted fornication. Maybe even adultery if that hot teacher of his is married."

"I thought you said that you hadn't seen him for a while?"

Satan sighed. "Well, it was in passing while I was sowing discord and making mischief. Now there's going to be a cutesy adaptation of Lovecraft's work."

"What's his teacher like?"

"She's a slutty drunkard. But she does have nice tits."

"Please, don't be vulgar."

"Vulgar? I'm half goat!" the Devil shouted. After a moment he sighed. "Fine, she's got nice tatty-bojangles. Is that better?"

"Marginally. But I don't want some dirty woman sleeping with my pure and innocent son," the divine female frowned.

"We're going around in circles here. You want me to make your son happy, but when he learns the truth, his world will collapse!"

"Just… do something!"

"What's in it for me?" Satan asked. "I could just as easily send him up to St. Peter if he did arrive at my place."

"You could have your hair back," God offered.

"My hair? My long, beautiful hair that was as soft as gossamer and colour of the summer sun? My hair that you loved running your fingers through?"

God blushed at the memory. "Yes…"

"OK, I'll do it. By the way, what do you want me to do with your ex husband?" Satan asked.

"What about him?" the Supreme Being asked, her features darkening. "Stupid pervert…"

"I left him with a giant super lobster with an irrational hatred of nipples. Was there anything in particular that scared him?"

"Kozo Fuyutsuki suffers from terrible arachnophobia…"

"Then it's time for Jeff to have some fun," the goat-like man beamed. "Catch you later, Darling."

"Cheeky!" God playfully swatted Satan on the arm.

* * *

Satan returned to his domain with a smile on his face. He approached the pit where Kozo Fuyutsuki lay panting in exhaustion.

"Hi there Professor," he greeted. "How's the lobster?"

"…"

"Don't look at me like that, Professor. It's unbecoming of a man of your stature. Besides, I think our chitin-clad friend has vented most of his hatred. I'll take you to your room for a nice rest."

"…"

"Do you want to risk being here when the lobster wakes up?"

"You have a point," Fuyutsuki conceded, somehow finding the energy to climb out of the pit.

"You look like you could do with a lie down in a darkened room. I'll even get a hammock put in for you," Satan smiled.

"A hammock?"

"I thought you'd prefer a hammock to the hard floor, especially considering your age."

"It's not that I don't appreciate your kindness, it's just that… well, you're not known for doing nice things for people," the grey-haired man explained.

"Tell me about it. Popular culture is always demonising me," Satan sighed. "Still, a nice lie down will help you feel better. I'll even bring you someone to talk to. You might have some problems with his accent at first, but Jeff's a good sort."

"What sort of accent does Jeff have?"

"Scouse."

* * *

After setting Professor Fuyutsuki down on the hammock in his room, Satan noticed that a sweaty Greek man was shouting again.

"Spartans!" he bellowed, causing his fellow warriors to form into a phalanx behind him.

"Oi, Leonidas, keep it down or there'll be trouble!" Satan ordered. "I've warned you about this before."

"Tonight-" the scantily-clad man started to shout with his sword raised above his head.

"That's it! Tonight you dine on lutefisk and Casu Marzu!" the Prince of Darkness declared, snapping his fingers.

There was a puff of smoke and the 300 Spartans found themselves seated at a long table with a number of demons dressed as waiters from high-class restaurants scurrying around with paper plates.

"Yes, Leo, tonight you and your friends dine here in Hell. You dine on festering fish and rotten cheese. If I hear one word of complaint, you're fighting Jane Austin bare-handed." Satan turned on his cloven foot and strolled off to start thinking about what to do about his son.

* * *

Shinji Fuyutsuki took a deep breath as he opened the door. He knew that his friends cared about him and he appreciated that fact a great deal – their antics brought a smile to his face more often than not.

But he just wanted to be left alone with his thoughts for a while before he tried to get back to normal.

"Hi..." he trailed off when he saw an imposing man standing in the doorway.

"Shinji Fuyutsuki?"

"Y-yes," Shinji confirmed, unable to fathom out why the bearded man standing before him made him feel so uncomfortable.

"Good. I'm a friend of your mother's, she asked me to look out for you. My name is Gendo Ikari."

"Y-you knew my mother?"

"Yes, we were close, but we drifted apart some time ago," Gendo explained. "But I have some important news for you."

"You do?" Shinji asked, swallowing nervously.

"Yes. I have called your school and told them that you will not be attending today. Grab your jacket and follow me."

"Wait, just who are you?"

"Shinju Fuyutsuki," Gendo said adjusting his glasses so that the light reflected off them theatrically, "you are not yet ready for such knowledge. But if all goes to plan, you soon will be."

* * *

To be continued?

Well, this was something that was inspired by the radio comedy "Old Harry's Game".

Not that this is close to being as good as that, but hey, sometimes things like a "super lobster with an irrational hatred of nipples" is just too funny to ignore.

And yes, I know that in canon, Gendo's family name was "Rokubungi", not Ikari.

But as some of you might have noticed, this is not canon.

Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on certain intertubes.


	2. Chapter 2

Old Gendo's Game

By Lord Raa

* * *

Disclaim-me-do: **There are no God Bees in Ohio.**

* * *

Part two

* * *

Shinji Fuyutsuki walked slowly along the quiet street with the bearded man that had introduced himself as Gendo Ikari.

Eventually, he had gathered enough courage to ask his new acquaintance what he knew about his mother.

"Your mother and I go back a long time, Shinji-kun."

"But how do you know her?"

Gendo placed a white gloved hand on the teenager's shoulder. "I will tell you if you really want to know, Shinji-kun. But you have to understand that what I tell you will change everything you know about life, the universe, and everything.

"Are you really sure that you're ready for such a revelation?"

Shinji considered this for a moment. "Y-you're not going to say bad things about my mother, are you?"

"No."

That response seemed to calm Shinji down a little. "How much is it going to change things?"

The bearded man smirked. "I've seen minds blown, quite literally, when they learn some of the great cosmic truths."

"W-who are you?" Shinji asked. "Seriously, who are you and how do you know my mother?"

"I'm Satan, the Prince of Darkness, there's very little I don't know."

"S-so my mother is in Hell?"

Satan laughed. "No, far from it."

"T-t-then how do you know her?" Shinji asked, his mind reeling from what the bearded man was telling him.

"Two words: Old flame."

The young man's jaw dropped. Unfortunately for him, several youths approached and started to hurl abuse at him.

"Out the way, pussy."

"You've got some nerve blocking our way!"

Gendo sighed as he shook his head. "You lot should be more polite."

"Oh, you want some too?"

"No, but you talk tough for someone whose hair has just burst into flames."

"What? AAARRRGGHH!!" the gang screamed in pain as they ran away.

"W-w-w-what just happened?" Shinji asked.

"Those, well, I suppose delinquents is the best term to describe them, were bothering you, and as per your mother's request to look out for you, I made them go away," Gendo explained. "Does that provide you with any proof that I'm Satan?"

"A little... but how do you know my mother?"

The disguised demon scratched his beard. "Well, it's a long story. But now it is time for another life-changing revelation: Kozo Fuyutsuki was not your father."

The teenager's face fell. "Then who was?"

"Are you sure you want to know this close to the start of school?"

"Yes."

"Shinji, _I_ am your father. You are the spawn of Satan."

"B-but... I'm not evil!"

"I know. That's because of your mother's influence," Satan explained.

Shinji could only laugh. "You're the most evil being ever! How was my mother supposed to have any influence over how I behave? Was she God or something?"

"Got it in one, son. But now it's time for school and I've got to get back to my day job. I'll see you at home time."

The bearded figure disappeared in a puff of black smoke that caused Shinji to cough loudly.

* * *

Back in Hell, Professor Kozo Fuyutsuki was talking with his new roommate, Jeff.

"So, how long have you been here, Jeff?" the grey-haired man asked.

"I can't really remember a time when I weren't here. It's not so bad here."

"But it's Hell!"

"Yeah, but Manchester United fans who aren't from Manchester end up here, and as a Liverpool supporter, that just brings a smile to me face," Jeff explained.

"What's wrong with Manchester United? Aren't they a successful team?" Fuyutsuki asked. "I see their merchandise in sportswear stores all over Japan. In fact, I was going to get my son a Manchester United shirt for his next birthday."

"Is that so?" Jeff hissed. "Well, it's a bit dark in here, so let me put on the light."

As the small room slowly filled with an off-white light, the Professor saw who he'd been talking to. "W-where's Jeff gone?"

"I'm Jeff," the bear-sized Australian funnel web spider answered. "Oh, look at that, there's nowhere for you to run to."

Fuyutsuki struggled on his hammock. "I can't get free!"

"That's because it's a web, you fool," Jeff mocked before striking the old man in the face, knocking him out. "Oh, don't pass out just yet, I've still got a shit-load of torment for you to experience."

* * *

Shinji was understandably distracted throughout most of the school day. It was something that his two friends had noticed and while they and the faculty were trying to give him some leeway, he was just slowly shuffling along the schoolyard towards the exit.

"We've got to do something about Shinji," Touji Suzuhara said to his bespectacled friend. "He was doing better yesterday. Maybe you should show him that new magazine you got? You know that one that chick with the glasses and huge jugs!"

Kensuke processed the description his friend had given him. "Oh, you mean that Mari Makinami one? Well, I guess that it could help cheer him up... Hey, Shinji!"

When Shinji didn't respond, Touji tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Dude, we're talking to you. Ken's got something that you'll like."

"Sorry guys, I... well, it's hard to explain," Shinji apologised. "I just want to go home."

"You sure? Because I've got something that you're gonna love!" Kensuke smiled enthusiastically.

"Yeah!" Touji added. "You gotta trust us, dude!"

"I'm sorry, but Shinji has something important to do," a man with a beard interrupted.

"He has?" Shinji's friends asked in unison.

"Indeed he does."

"Y-you!" Shinji said, pointing accusingly at man standing in front of him.

"I see you recognise me, Shinji. That's good. However, we need to finish our talk. Follow me, I'm in the mood for cake and coffee."

Shinji turned to his friends and bowed apologetically before following the bearded man.

"That's weird," Kensuke declared.

"Yeah, perhaps we should follow them. You know, to make sure that he's going to be ok?" Touji suggested.

* * *

Satan, in his Gendo Ikari guise, sat in a booth facing Shinji Fuyutsuki.

"W-what did you want to talk to me about?" the teenager asked. "And why should I believe anything you say? Aren't you supposed to lie to people and trick them all the time?"

"I want to talk to you about your mother. As for my credibility, what would you like me to do to prove it to you?" Satan replied.

"I don't know... tell me something about me that only I would know."

"You want me to read your mind? Ok, if you're sure about that. Your two friends think that, like them, you have a crush on your teacher, Miss Misato. But it's not quite that – you don't lust over her like your friends do.

"You're worried about her," the bearded figure said. "You don't think she can look after herself, but you're worried that if you say something, she'll take offence. Or worse still, she'll think that you're a stalker."

"H-how," Shinji looked around, "How did you know that?"

"What part of 'I'm Satan, there's very little I don't know', don't you understand?" Satan smirked.

The teenager felt a little foolish for a moment. "Ok, so let's say that I believe you that you're Satan and that you're my father. Why don't I have awesome powers?"

"Because your mother still remembers the last time she had a son on the mortal plane with superpowers. Didn't go well for him."

"What?"

"Your half-brother, Jesus," Satan clarified. "He's a nice lad, but no sense of humour. Unlike your mother, oh how she laughed when I put soap in Gabriel's trumpet."

"Wait, so you're telling me that I'm the child of God and Satan?" Shinji asked. "Just how did that work out?"

The bearded man sighed. "Well, you know that I said your mother was an old flame? Well, she was feeling a little bored and wanted another child. Rather than have a messiah on the planet again, which causes no end of trouble, she wanted a mortal child."

"So why didn't she... you know, like with Jesus?"

"Two things: one, she wanted to 'do it properly', and two, who's man enough to handle the Supreme Being in bed?"

Shinji sat in stunned silence, trying to process what he'd just been told when the waitress arrived with their order.

"Thank you miss," Satan smiled politely as he sipped his coffee. When they were alone again, he coughed to gain Shinji's attention. "So, is there anything you want to ask me?"

"So, what does this mean for me? Are people going to try to kill me or something?"

"It means that you're absolutely normal. Sure, you've never had any serious illnesses, but that's part of being your mother's child. Jesus never had anything more serious than nappy rash. As for people trying to kill you, I don't foresee anything out of the ordinary."

"Oh, so I'm a regular kid?" Shinji asked. "Despite being the son of God and Satan?"

"Well, you could do with a touch more fibre in your diet, but so could so many kids these days," the bearded man answered, smiling at the sudden, but slight confusion on his son's face. "Now, eat up: this cake is delicious."

"Ok," the teenager said quietly.

"Your mother wants you to be happy, Shinji. She feels that if you're unhappy, you'll kill yourself, damning you to Hell."

"What's Hell like?"

"It all depends on if you're a tormentor or one of the tormented. For example, aside from the fact that time doesn't exist in Hell and that I'm 40 percent goat, it's not too bad for me. However, for the likes of suicide bombers, part of their experience is eternal circumcision by origami experts. Incredibly painful, yet highly decorative."

"Ouch." Shinji winced and shifted in his seat to offer his crotch slightly better protection.

Satan finished his cake. "I'm glad we came here, Shinji."

The teenager finally stopped playing with his cake and tasted it. "It's good."

"Of course, I know where all the good eateries are."

"I... I want to know about my mother..."

Satan smiled warmly. "She decided to slum it as human for a few years to get used to her mortal body. That's when she met Fuyutsuki, though I doubt I'll ever know what she saw in the old man."

"Is he..."

"Yes, he's being tormented by my demons. The last I saw of him, he was being tormented by a talking spider called Jeff."

"W-what?" Shinji asked, recalling his 'father's' arachnophobia.

"Never mind that," the Devil smiled disarmingly. "Now, there's a reason why your mother chose me rather than Fuyutsuki. She was worried that you'd develop special powers like your brother. And if that happened, she knew that someone would try exploiting you."

"Oh, I see."

"And she called for me to help her out."

"Why you?"

"Like I said, the Almighty is an old flame. Back in the day, we were an item. Of course back then, I made these bishounen actor types look like the bastard offspring of the Elephant Man and a monkfish. Ah, good times..." Satan sighed wistfully. "After some serious fun in the bedroom, you were conceived and Fuyutsuki thought that he'd finally knocked up his wife."

"I don't mind being normal, but why did she leave me when I was four?" Shinji asked.

"As you may know, she's not always been the most patient of people. Factor in some serious road rage and hints of infidelity from the Professor and she was ready to wipe humanity off the face of the Earth."

"What stopped her?"

"Me. I casually mentioned that she'd promised not to do that again. She didn't like being reminded of that," Satan smiled. "But I managed to make her see sense."

"How?"

"I mentioned that her plan would kill off all the giraffes. You mother likes giraffes."

"This is getting weird," Shinji decided. "So I'm the distinctly normal son of God and Satan and I'm not expected to save the world or anything?"

"Not that I'm aware of," the bearded man shrugged. "Now, as part of my task, I need to know if there's a girl you like."

"Well, there are a couple, but I don't know how they feel about me...."

"Tell me their names, Son."

* * *

Touji and Kensuke walked up to where Shinji was seated.

"Yo, Fuyutsuki!" the muscular boy greeted. "How's it going?"

Satan turned to look at the two boys who were interrupting his important discussion with his son. "Can I help you?"

"Who are you?" Touji asked. "And what do you want with my friend?"

"I am a friend of Shinji's mother's. That is all you need to know," the bearded figure said.

"I ain't scared of you!"

"Oh really? Well, I supposed that's to be expected, I have seen smarter rocks after all," Satan smirked insufferably.

"YOU!" a loud voice declared, attracting the attention of everyone in the teahouse. "I've been looking for you!"

"And it would appear that you've found me. Who are you?"

"The person who's going to kick your ass!" the delinquent boasted, his twelve-strong gang surrounding him.

"With that army?" Satan laughed loudly, causing Shinji, Touji and Kensuke back away.

"There's a dozen of us and only one of you. And we're armed," the lead thug said, pulling out a switchblade.

"I'm outnumbered and outgunned, as it were? Well, in that case, I better leave with Shinji and his friends before it gets messy," the bearded man stood up and gestured to his son to do the same. "I do hope that your dysentery clears up before too long."

"What are you... Oh my God!" The gang all doubled up in pain as their bowels rebelled. "W-what did you do to us?"

"Me? I never touched you. The restaurant toilet is over there..."

The gang of maladjusted youths tried to run to the toilets, only to trip up and land awkwardly.

"What the Hell?"

"Didn't I mention that your shoes had melted to the floor? How careless of me. Shinji, let's go before I forget something else," Satan said, turning to where his son and friends were cowering.

* * *

In Heaven, God was watching over her mortal son's encounter with Satan. She was pleasantly surprised that her former lover hadn't killed the delinquents who had been bothering her son, but She was a little disgusted with how he'd dealt with them.

"Does he have to use bodily functions as torments so often?" the Supreme Being asked rhetorically.

God scratched her hair as She considered Satan's potential course of action. "I don't think that Shinji would appreciate his father just making those girls love him. But how should I...?

"I've got it. Rei, come over here."

A blue-haired angle floated over to where God was seated. "Yes, Your Supreme Magnificence?"

"I've got a mission for you. I want you to watch over my son."

"But your son is racking up for your pool game, Your Ineffableness," Rei said in a confused tone as she pointed to the Celestial Pool Hall.

"I'd almost forgotten about that, but I was talking about Shinji, not Jesus," God sighed. "When he gets here, you lot better treat him properly. Or else."

"It's not that we hate Shinji," the blue-haired angel insisted. "It's... well, it's his father."

The Supreme Being rolled her eyes. "I'm not asking you to fight off the Legions of Hell™ on your own, just keep an eye on things so that Satan doesn't go nuts and turn Shinji into some international playboy."

"But... to be a mortal..."

"Are you saying that you're too good to pretend to be a mortal? I was a mortal for a while. Are you saying that YOU are better than ME?" God asked, obsidian clouds forming around the pair. "I thought that I had purged the disloyal elements from Heaven."

"Nonononononononono," Rei backpedalled, holding her hands up in deference. "It's not that at all!"

The clouds crackled loudly as God waited for Rei to properly explain the situation.

"It's more like, well, what if Shinji decides he likes me?"

"Rei, do you not think that I might know who my son will fall in love with?"

"Does he fall for me?"

"Not telling" the Supreme Being said rising up to play pool with Jesus. She looked over her shoulder. "Though, if something did happen between you and Shinji, you would be hooking up with the boss's son. Of course, if you break his heart, I won't be your boss."

Rei understood the veiled threat. "O-of course, Your Supreme Indivisibleness."

* * *

"Hey!" Touji called to Satan. "Just what's going on here?"

"Are you sure that you want to know the answer, boy?" the bearded figure asked. "Can you be sure that I won't make your suffer their fate if I get angry?"

The jock paused for a moment as he recalled what he'd seen and then recoiled. "No, but..."

"Then shut your mouth before I do get angry. Shinji, I've got somewhere to be, so we'll talk again tomorrow."

After Satan walked off, Kensuke turned to Shinji. "Dude, just who was that?"

"I... I'm not really sure, but he said that he knew my mother," Shinji answered.

* * *

To be continued...?

Pre-read by Chi Vayne, previewed on various tubes, inspired by something written by someone far more talented than I. What more can I say at this time?


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